I love to judge people. i love to look at someone and think: this bitch doesn't fucking deserve her luxuries. I love to look at a group of people and think: this whole group have been bitching about one another and I as an outsider have heard everything about everyone of them. and yet they still bother to meet up and talk about loving and missing each other. fucking hypocrites.

I don't know why I think this way. or why i even care about them because seriously it's none of my business. what i think isn't even necessarily true because we all know that we say things in the heat of the moment. as in, in a pit of anger. doesn't really qualify as bitching. but. it just annoys me that such hypocrisy in the world possibly exists.

Just trying to keep in mind that life is as we know it. so i gotta leave it as that live life without thinking too much about it. though i'm getting increasingly bored with life.

anyway i'm wondering right now. what happens when a perfectionist woman marries man whom she thought was perfect. and then one day she realises he isn't. if she stays with him, she wouldn't exactly have everything in life perfect as she wanted it to, so i she still a perfectionist?

aiyaaaah. i'm wasting my brain juices on stupid things like theeeez.

sigh i wish i was small again. when i used to crawl into my parents' bed when i had a nightmare and my dad would carry me back to my bed after i fell asleep. i wish i was small and petite. so i wouldn't appear so intimidating.

it's kinda sad. i seemed to have lived my sec and jc life being strong, being in control. i appeared as if i needed no favours, needed no one. now i seem to have shrunk in strength, like i'm sick of being strong and i'd like a shoulder to lean on for once instead of being the shoulder leaned on.

erasing my sec 3 -4 band life from my memory, i've decided to revive it. thought of the beginning of my new then position. the confrontation. me delanie adlin didi fiona. i still love them. i wish what happened didn't happen. especially one of them. i knew she loved me. she loved band. i hope she joins alumni and let her awful memories of band made by me be replaced by fond alumni memories. i'm really, sincerely sorry about what i had done to her. i cried about losing the wrong friend all those months.

i wonder if other people had gone through what i have been through my teenage years so far.

non stop bitching and backstabbing within our huge clique in sec 1-2, resulting in huge changes in many of their thinkings and way of growing up. can i blame that some of them didn't want anything to do with me the next year?

happy but painful band life. good times with the 9 of them. ignoring the pain of said girl above. things going downhill after our graduation. (read fartfusion shockingly it's still up.) finally the big blow up a year ago for which things are still strained. shockingly the people from the clique i really despise now are not the ones who think they are. til now there's still hope within a few that we'd settle things more amicably. i never liked to leave things hanging. time will tell?

sec 3-4 life.. neglecting classmates and choosing to be ignorant of their feelings.. they were company but not friends. i was too myopic to realise i wasn't being a good friend to them. i really wish i could change things now. somehow i miss them. though we were never really that close?

jc life was more normal. hardly even went to cj for first three months. but in sa i met the best people in the world. people whom i clicked with so well. whom i admired and respected because of their intelligence and outlook on the world. if we had met in circumstances other than jc, we'd have had more time to get to know each other without all the fucking schoolwork. but jc's about the schoolwork, not about the friends. so i left. and i miss them as well.

maybe everyone went through the same shit as i did. just that no one evaluates them as i do.

sigh i always did think too much aye? anyway for those who didn't know, my email is now natkatkoh@gmail.com

that's all.